Regret
by sugahcat
Summary: Snape threatens to drown in his own selfpity, until Lupin offers him a way out. slashy


Ah, just a little angsty rambling here... Review, tell me what ya think. But remember I am aware it's just rambling :D Just a one shot, I think. 

Warning: This has mild slash. ie two blokes in a relationship. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you do, read, enjoy and review :)

Dedication: To all Remus/Sev ficcers. In fact, to all ficcers - you rock!

Disclaimer:And the characters are JK Rowling's though if you ask them, Warner Brothers will likely claim them. They definately aren't mine, in any case. I'm just using them for my own wicked purposes :) 

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Regret

You can spend your time alone, redigesting past regrets  
Or you can come to terms and realize  
You're the only one who cannot forgive yourself  
Makes much more sense to live in the present tense  
_Present Tense_ Pearl Jam

The staff room was always a place of peace for Severus Snape. Or at least had been. Until he returned, damn him, to turn his life upside down again. Lupin's return as the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher for a second year couldn't have come at a worse time. His life was on the edge of a knife as it were, and this was enough to unbalance him. To make him loose everything. All that he had worked for. All that he had.

_And what do you have?_ A nasty little voice in his head whispered. _What do you have that's worth a damn? What have you ever had?_

As if in answer Remus Lupin walked into the staff room, gave one of his polite smiles and walked over to the kettle, pouring the water into a cup, placing an earl grey teabag in it and then sitting in an armchair a few feet away from Snape. Too near. So far. 

The werewolf picked up a book from the table in the middle of the circle of seats and started to flick through it as Snape watched from behind his hair. His long, slender fingers almost stroked the edge of the pages as he turned them, grey eyes thoughtful and intense, lips opening slightly as he sipped the tea. His hair was overlong, and he tucked it back behind his ears as Snape watched. There was too much grey in that hair, especially for a pureblood like Lupin was. Not even forty yet, a wizard should look like a Muggle in their late twenties. And yet the years of the change had taken their toll on the other man, the man the same age as he but with silver streaks where Snape had hair as purely black as a raven's wing. 

Something stirred in Snape's heart as he thought that, but it was quickly quelled. While at school, he and Lupin may have been in a relationship. Been - in love. But now he couldn't afford to... to feel. Anything. He had everything to loose by getting embroiled in his emotions. 

_But you have nothing._

Sighing softly, he close his eyes. He had many things. He had guilt, anger, pain, suffering, remorse... All these things he spent hours wallowing, until his sense of self was lost and all emotions had become something he wanted not to deal with. Feelings hurt and brought back memories. Memories of death and destruction, wrought about by his own hand at the will of the Dark Lord - as well as his own. Muggles, fools, traitors - all had deserved death. Hadn't they? Deep in his heart, Snape knew otherwise - but consciously accepting that would drive him mad. Knowing that he had killed innocents, and been responsible for the deaths of many more - that he could not take. They had deserved it all. They _had_.

_As do you._ He could practically feel the abyss opening within him, the remorse threatening to drown him. Facing the abyss, he roused his anger and this was enough to drown out any other emotion he could feel, so vast and so varied was its source and targets. 

"Severus? Are you alright?"

His anger was stronger than almost anything. But at Lupin's worried words, the anger drained from him, leaving him in shock and surprise. Glancing up at the other man, Snape frowned. 

"Fine," he spat, though there was little true venom in his voice. Lupin frowned at him, still looking worried, then shrugged.

"If you're sure..." He said, then looked back down to his book. 

_How can I be sure, you fool? How can I be alright? I, having done what I have done, seen what I have seen... No. I am not alright._ And now he was working with the Dark Lord again. For Dumbledore, this time - but the urges and desires that had driven him to He Who Must Not Be Named in the first place were still there, along with the remorse. But the remorse won out in the end, and any desire for power was easily drowned out by it. It had a bitter taste, like espresso, and was as rich and thick as the best coffee. It enveloped him in its darkness so often, behind his barrier of anger, and he sometimes wondered how long it could be before it broke through, and what would happen then. 

Why had his life turned out like this? Couldn't it somehow have turned out a different way?

His eyes turned, seemingly of their own will, over to Remus Lupin. Things could have been different. Very different. 

Inwardly snorting his derision at his thoughts, he shook his head lightly. No, the only way things could have been different is if he wasn't who he was. And even if they had been, he would probably be dead at the hands of the Death Eaters, or Lucius even before then, if he'd refused the invitation of the Dark Lord. Snape always had the impression that Lucius had permission to kill him if he had refused the call, and didn't doubt he would do it, friend or not. For Lucius had a love and a lust for death that not even the other Death Eaters had shared. Lucius was the one for whom the name could have been coined, and he desired to be the Dark Lord's favourite. And killing was the path to that.

Shaking his head, running a hand through his hair, Severus tried to clear it of those thoughts. They didn't help. And he had just told the truth to himself - he would be dead if he hadn't joined the Death Eaters, and more people besides - for hadn't his turning sides, spying on his former master and comrades saved lives? The thought wasn't comforting for some reason. That barrier of anger that he poured all of his will into keeping in place also blocked out any positive emotions. And he'd had that block up for so long he was beginning to forget how to feel. Which wasn't neccessarily a bad thing. 

The slam of a book on a wooden table brought him out of his introspection, and he looked up, mildly surprised to find Lupin looking at him, annoyance in his eyes - and hurt?

"Severus, Albus has told me about what you're doing."

Blinking, Severus raised an eyebrow. "And what would that be?"

"About how you're working for us, spying on the Death Eaters, on Voldemort." Snape couldn't help flinching at the use of his name. 

"Did he also tell you that I was a Death Eater?" Snape was coldly pleased to see Lupin now flinch.

"Yes, he did." Lupin paused, eyes lighting. "Is that what this is about? Why you've been looking as though you were trapped in some cold, dark place?"

"Very poetic, Lupin. Now, if you'll excuse me-"

"No." The werewolf stood, blocking Snape's exit. "Sit, and listen to me. I know you."

"You knew me-"

"I _know_ you, Severus. You haven't changed as much as you'd like to think. I know you, I know how you think. And how you feel. Better than you know, I think." Snape listened, wondering if the werewolf had a point, and when he'd get to it. And behind that barrier, he hoped. "I understand that you both liked and hated the killing. And how you hate yourself for it. I know that better than anyone." For a moment, a light of remorse lit in Lupin's eyes. "And as I said. I know the way your mind works." He paused again, eyes taking in every feature of Severus' face and body, making him uncomfortable even as the hope grew. "For everyone else you've redeemed yourself - your spying on the Death Eaters has saved more lives than you took, far more - and you're still saving lives now."

"Really, Remus? Do you think the family of those I killed would be so forgiving?"

"Possibly not. But I forgive you. For everything." As Lupin paused, a giddy sense of relief washed over Snape. He forgave him for ending the relationship when he found out about his... affliction? For being completely stubborn and pigheaded and not even trying to understand? "And..." Lupin's voice trailed off as his eyes flicked down to the ground. Slowly he looked up at Snape, eyes full of emotion. Snape fought the urge to run. He wanted this - needed this if he wanted to retain his humanity and his soul. But it terrified him, as it meant getting in touch with his feelings again. 

_But you won't have to do it alone._ Lupin's lips lighted on his softly, moving against them, then he pulled back, looking into Severus eyes. 

"I still love you, Severus. But you need to forgive yourself if you expect anyone else to."

Reeling, scared at his reaction to Lupin's kiss, scared at the memories it brought to the fore, scared of himself, Snape looked at the other man. He was terrified of taking what he needed - a touch, an embrace. Lupin seemed to understand and wrapped his arms around him, and Snape thankfully accepted it. 

He still didn't think he could forgive himself quite yet. But this was a start, and he wouldn't have to be alone.


End file.
